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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Girlpower! :lol:
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A man left work one Friday afternoon and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the tirade and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which
he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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BAD PICKUP LINES
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!
2. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
3. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
4. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?
5. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
7. The word of the day is legs, so let's go home and spread the word.
8. Why don't you come over and we can do math in bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and I'll multiply.
9. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
10. Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
11. Excuse me but is your name "Gillette"..cause you are the best a man can get!
12. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
13. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
14. Hi do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok, then can we just practice?
15. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?
16. You can feel the magic between us.... No, lower!
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
19. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
20. I'm not really good at this pick-up line stuff. Can I just fondle your breasts instead?
:lol:
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Wow Kim those are really really bad. I can't imagine how those would work on any women. I know myself I always get the old "don't I know you". It's a bit much. :roll:
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speaking of pick-up lines heres' a funny one;
If I could re-write the alphabet I'd put U and I together!!!!
I will not give up. My face is set,my gait is fast,my goal is heaven,my road is narrow,my way is rough,my companions are few,my guide is reliable,my mission is clear. I cannot be bought,compromised,detoured,lured away,turned back,diluted or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice,hesitate in the presence of adversity,negotiate at the table of the enemy,ponder at the pool of popularity,or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I will not give up,shut up or slow down....Blessed Be!
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:jump hahaha..these are all great!
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hehe, another great Bush and Ashcroft, sent to me by my dad(a Repub too! :lol: )
Again...the Fearsome Al-Gebra
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Atty general John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of
the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck
terror into the lives of many for generations.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said.
"They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute values. They use secret code
names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", but we have determined they belong
to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft stated.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "The fact that there are equations without
answers proves that the answers exist and that they
are hatching an insidious plot to conceal them.
If God Almighty had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes," the President said, adding,
"Under the circumferences,
we must root out their evil doings,
differentiate their intentions, make our point,
and draw the line. And there will be no integration
during my presidency."
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I finally have one! I thought this was great...
ULTIMATE FRUITCAKE (and no, it's not a George W. Bush joke!)
Ingredients
1 cup unsalted butter, softened 3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 cup granulated sugar 2 cups of dried fruit
1/2 cup brown sugar 1 cup lukewarm water
4 large eggs 1 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 1 750 ml bottle dark rum
1 tsp salt 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
Directions
Sample the rum to check for quality. Take a large bowl and add butter. Check the rum again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of salt and beat again.
Make sure the rum is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterer pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the rum again. Now sift the lemon juice. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat the turner. Throw the bowl out the window, check the rum again and go to bed.
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That's dance is funny! I don't know if those underwear are nessessary! :lol:
) fun Dyers 
. After millions of years spent evolving, man sure knows how to find the gutter quick! :lol:
hock: