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Funny jokes... - Printable Version

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Funny jokes... - Kim - 11-06-2003

"One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

:lol:

- Beat - 11-06-2003

[Image: stoel.gif]

- dyersbay - 11-06-2003

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I don't have any jokes! give us another Kim :thumb:

- hipkid33 - 11-06-2003

Awesome! :thumb: :lol:
But how thoroughly :oops: for me as a US citizen.
The truth hurts.

Great joke, keep 'em comin'

Cheers!

Chad

- Kim - 11-06-2003

I'm glad you guys like them :mrgreen:
I couldn't resist so here's some more George W. :lol:

(1)Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
The Presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

(2)Famous Last Words

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

- mrlayance - 11-06-2003

Kim Wrote:(1)Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
The Presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

- dyersbay - 11-06-2003

Those are great! :lol: I really like the second one. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Bring on some more! :thumb:

- grooveless touque - 11-06-2003

This sounds like a modified version of another joke, but one I have always thought was the funniest joke about Dubya is:

"The President was asked today what his plans for after retirement might be. He responded that he'd like to finally finish his first book, which he's been working on for years, because he's always wanted to find out whodunit."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

- CanuckCourage - 11-06-2003

Love the "Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library" one , Kim . :thumb:

Found this on the net , cracked me up . :lol:


Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

8. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

3. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving




Funny , it reminds me of a time and place not so far away where it was proven that women can't open jars...Maybe it was a dream , something to do with multitasking too ... :wink:

- grooveless touque - 11-07-2003

CanuckCourage Wrote:7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

Cheers, eh!! :thumb: :lol: :lol:

- Kim - 11-07-2003

BEER AND SEX

A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

:lol:

- dyersbay - 11-07-2003

That's funny :lol: I wonder what mine would be...summerdope?

- mark - 11-07-2003

two muffins are in the oven. one of them says "wow. it sure does get hot in here" and the other says "holy shit! a talking muffin!"

- Kim - 11-07-2003

whahahahaha :mrgreen:

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eyes?

A. Put a flashlight in her ear.

:thumb:

- VioletlightHeron - 11-11-2003

not really a joke, but a wise saying.. :lol: :lol:

God, grant me the senitity to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference
(Montanavit)