[Stephen Dame]

In response to Dustin Hoffman's recent assertion that Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, Columbia Tri-Star's Sandler Studios (Famous for their 90 munite crap-a-thons featuring Canteen Boy himself) in association with the Straight To Cable Corporation (A division of NewsCorp.) figured the best way to cure their current script slump was to place an ad in "Variety" offering $130 million dollars to the first person who could answer the ad.

Luckily, my mailmain is an insomniac, my neighbours subscription to "Variety" came early, and I was able to steal said copy, write in, and win.

My idea centred around the Hip going someplace and saving something (They weren't really interested in details as long as something 'sploded at the end) with plenty of cleavage and white people saying hip-hop terms, ya know, for the kiddies.

So anyway, I need you to help me cast this Wellsian cinematic ode to terrificness.

Please feel free to make your own substitutions, or suggest new and exciting plot devices.

Here's the cast list as of now:

Gord Downie to be played by Jason Statham:



Bobby Baker to be played by Jesus Christ. Apparently, this is a "Travolta style come back" which the studio keeps telling me is important: (And boy, you should see this guy's contract rider... private trailer? Who does he think he is? But not to worry, as you can see below from his promo shot, everything's gunna be "Okay." Apparently he's got a powerful agent.)



Paul Langlois to be played by Slash, Paul's danglin' smoke to be played by Slash's smoke (Who is curently in Venice rehearsing his "danglin" with Italy's finest acting coach):



Gord Sinclair to be played by Adam Sandler: (He's the property of the studio, so he works for peanuts... and the occaisional cashew)



Johnny Fay, for obvious reasons, to be played by Ron Jeremy. (Who else could capture his... uh, essence.)



Billy Ray to be played by The Malborough Man or some reasonable fascimle... this guy will do:



The microphone stand to be played by Calista Flockhart:



P.S. I'm having a 129 million, 958 thousand dollar BBQ tomorrow. BYOB.

[Cpt. Trips]

honestly, people at work are looking at me strange as I laugh at this...

calista flockhart as the microphone stand is pure gold.

[Jenna_Bird]

When my boyfriend and I watched The Transporter, we kept saying how much Jason Statham looked like Gord...good to know we aren't the only crazy types! :lol:

-Jenna

[VioletlightHeron]

Jason Stratham as the ranting, microphone "abusing", "that was my guy, I'm sorry" kung fu frontman....perfect! :lol:

[ShannonW]

You have way too much time on your hands... and I'm so very happy about it right about now. Thank god for your boredom, Steve!

I love Billy Ray. Best hat ever.

[chris]

Stephen you never cease to "impress" me.

It would have to be the Jason Statham from the Transporter or Snatch, because his character in "Mean Machine" is way too intense and crazy, even for our Gord.

stathamfans.com isn't loading, so I can't find a good capture, but he was a scary dude in that film.

[Stephen Dame]

Stephen you never cease to "impress" me.

It would have to be the Jason Statham from the Transporter or Snatch, because his character in "Mean Machine" is way too intense and crazy, even for our Gord.

stathamfans.com isn't loading, so I can't find a good capture, but he was a scary dude in that film.

Yeah? I haven't seen "Mean Machine," and I like his stuff, I'll have to check it out.

And hey, while we're talking about the guy, does anybody know his past? Was he a rugby or soccer player? When I googled his name to get that photo, there were a few shots of him and that big goon from "Snatch" on the sidelines.

[chris]

And hey, while we're talking about the guy, does anybody know his past? Was he a rugby or soccer player? When I googled his name to get that photo, there were a few shots of him and that big goon from "Snatch" on the sidelines.

Those pictures are most likely from Mean Machine. (And that big goon from "Snatch" - Vinnie Jones - was a former footballer.)
--------
He has quite the past...

A one-time Olympic diver, fashion model, and black-market salesman, Statham came to acting by way of commercials and "street theater" -- a euphemism for hustling tourists on London's Oxford Street. Raised in Syndenham, London, he was the second son of a lounge singer and a dressmaker turned dancer. Although Statham had the familial background to go immediately into entertainment, he excelled first on the high dive. He was a member of the 1988 British Olympic Team in Seoul, Korea, and remained on the National Diving Squad for ten years. In the late '90s, a talent agent specializing in athletes landed Statham a gig in an ad campaign for the European clothing retailer French Connection. This led to an appearance in a Levi's Jeans commercial and a fledgling modeling career. Meanwhile, Statham had also earned local fame as a street corner con man, selling stolen jewelry and counterfeit perfume out of a briefcase. Thus, when French Connection's owner became one of the biggest investors in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, he naturally introduced the diver/model/hustler to knave-hunting Ritchie.

Taken from: <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=1800023090&cf=biog&intl=us">http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=18 ... og&intl=us</a><!-- m -->

In the movie Mean Machine, he portrayed a crazy muthafucka named Monk.

[direwolf74]

Steve, you've really outdone yourself with this one. Nice work!

:thumb:

[The Horrible Esthete]

Bobby Baker to be played by Jesus Christ...(Apparently he's got a powerful agent.)

:lol:

[thipfan73]

Love it! As funny as ever Mr Dame

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[scottitude]

Damn, Dame...that's hilarious! What a week: two for two. Yesterday Wendy's "Hipfans We Are" had me laughing out loud and today it's Broadway-hip. :lol:

Hmmm...the bits about Johnny tickled me the most in both of them, although the Christ-bit is also a riot.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings...

[j-monster]

P.S. I'm having a 129 million, 958 thousand dollar BBQ tomorrow. BYOB.

What, with a cool $129,958,000 hanging around, you can't spring for a keg or two? Sheesh... :lol:

My idea centred around the Hip going someplace and saving something (They weren't really interested in details as long as something 'sploded at the end)...

Given some of the anti-Nazi imagery in Gord's lyrics, I would suggest the Hip save the world from neo-Nazis intent on enslaving the population by turning everyone into fans of the next slick, overproduced, talentless yet relentlessly marketed and hyped boy band... the Backstreet Fascists!

Great job Stephen... very funny yet oddly fitting choices for casting your masterpiece... let us know when you get your Oscar! :thumb:

[VioletlightHeron]

Given some of the anti-Nazi imagery in Gord's lyrics, I would suggest the Hip save the world from neo-Nazis intent on enslaving the population by turning everyone into fans of the next slick, overproduced, talentless yet relentlessly marketed and hyped boy band... the Backstreet Fascists!

Great job Stephen... very funny yet oddly fitting choices for casting your masterpiece... let us know when you get your Oscar! :thumb:

I have the perfect idea for the villian...Ron Pearlman (aka the "discoverer" of Backstreet Boys) hmmm, perhaps Joe Pesci in a fat suit and a wig? :lol:

[Stephen Dame]

Chris, that's some cool info on Statham, I had no idea. The dude aint just acting cool...

Okay now, let's write the thing.

Script should be twenty pages, I figure we can write a page each.

We'll start with J-Monster's concept and VLH's star, here's Page One:

-We Open in a Boardroom, the devilish music producer (Joe Pesci in a fat suit and wig) laughs manically over a press photo laying on a table in front of him. The other men in suits, sitting around the table, smile and gnaw on cigar's.

Producer: "Now I've finally found the perfect medium to spread my global facist message! The sex appeal of these fine young aryan men will make them impossible to resist! Their airy love ballads and cheesy pop numbers will inoculate the population without them even knowing it!"

-More laughter fills the room. One of the older, overweight execs coughs, chokes on his cigar, keels over and dies. The meeting goes on uniterupted.

Yes Man#1: "Great idea sir, but won't people resist your global take-over?"

Producer: Are you paying attention?! (Pointing to the press photo) Look at these dimples! These hunks could sell Tree Bark to a Beaver! (This takes care of our candian content quota) Besides, Who could possibly stop me... and my Backstreet Facists!

-More laughter fills the room... ominous music (I mean real ominous, like maybe even Nickleback) fade out.