[pigography]

They say a good joke is an ice-breaker.
So please feel free to post text, images, whatever you think is funny in this thread!

I'll start.

Got stopped for speeding the other day...
I thought that I could talk my way out of it until the cop looked in the back seat.



And I'll also throw in a joke for good measure.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body;
his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange but dismissed it.
He then brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad.
Roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
"No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

What? He had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say,
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

:lol: Now it's your turn! G'wan.

[farmerdan]

what's the difference between a ferrari and a dead hooker......


......




....wait for it.......



..........



I dont have a ferrari in my garage!!!

[Billy]

what's the difference between a ferrari and a dead hooker......


......




....wait for it.......



..........



I dont have a ferrari in my garage!!!

yikes...that one's iffy

[farmerdan]

yikes...that one's iffy

Oh c'mon, it's not like I ACTUALLY have a dead hooker in my carhole

[Billy]

yikes...that one's iffy

Oh c'mon, it's not like I ACTUALLY have a dead hooker in my carhole

Oh I realize that, just the content is iffy.

I noticed in the occupation thread a couple of people in the social work field, maybe they work with prostitutes and would take offence to such a joke? My wife, for example, is a councellor for street women here in Calgary. I'm pretty sure I know what she'd have to say about a joke like that given the horendous stuff she has been privy to via her clients. Canada's largest mass murder trial is ongoing and centres around the deaths of 26+ prostitutes at the hands of a psychopath(s).

Iffy subject indeed.

[farmerdan]

yikes...that one's iffy

Oh c'mon, it's not like I ACTUALLY have a dead hooker in my carhole

Oh I realize that, just the content is iffy.

I noticed in the occupation thread a couple of people in the social work field, maybe they work with prostitutes and would take offence to such a joke? My wife, for example, is a councellor for street women here in Calgary. I'm pretty sure I know what she'd have to say about a joke like that given the horendous stuff she has been privy to via her clients. Canada's largest mass murder trial is ongoing and centres around the deaths of 26+ prostitutes at the hands of a psychopath(s).

Iffy subject indeed.

you know what i can kinda understand that,
i actually changed that joke to dead hooker from the way it was told to me (dead babies, which i find tasteless)

but again, just a joke

[surferguy]

I laughed when I got this sent to me with the title of

"If Peter Griffen had a sex change"

In fact I am still laughing about it!!!! hock: [/img]

[pigography]

^ hock: Oh my. There is an eerie resemblance.

Anyone offended by blonde jokes then?

Two sisters, one blonde, one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in the next town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you by telegram.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she goes to the nearest telegraph office to send her sister a telegram. She walks in and says to the clerk, “I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I’ve bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here, help me load the bull and haul it back home.”. The telegraph clerk replies, “I’d be glad to help. It’s ¢99 a word.”. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left and she realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.”. The clerk shakes his head, “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup and drive out here to haul that bull back if you just send her ‘comfortable’??”.

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde, it's a big word, she’ll read it very slowly…
COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”.

:mrgreen:

[Douglas]

How do you circumcise an Albertan?

Punch his sister in the jaw

[ron]

what is the difference between a pig and a fox?

















About 3 drinks!

[pigography]

^ :lol: That one reminds me of this joke:

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer.

This happens about another five times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."

[Detrious]

OK, quick one before I take Jake to school...

Little 4 year old Emily asks her dad where poo comes from.

Dad, trying to keep things honest with the little cherub explains,
'Well Dear, you know how we had breakfast this morning? Well that goes down our throat and into our stomach. While there it gets mixed around and all the good stuff is taken out. Then it goes into our intestines, where more of the good stuff is taken out. All that is left is waste that we can't use, and when we go to the toilet, it comes out of our bottoms. And that dear is where we get poo...'

With a look of horror on her face Emily stands for a while, before asking...

'Well what about Tigger?'

D

[pigography]

:lol: That was a good one!


One day, all the animals are having a row about who is the scariest.

Mr. Bear argues, 'I am the scariest. I growl, and all the animals quiver with fear.'

Mr Lion shakes his mane at Mr. Bear. 'You don't scare me' he laughs. 'I am by far the scariest. I roar and the jungle shakes with fear'.

Mr. Chicken chuckles, 'Don't be silly. I'm the scariest.'

Mr. Bear and Mr. Lion both look at Mr. Chicken in disbelief, 'YOU?! You're kidding!'

Mr. Chicken retorts, 'Well all I have to do is COUGH and the whole WORLD shits itself!'

[The Horrible Esthete]

A black man walks into the pub on the corner of his block, bellies up to the bar, and says to the large white bartender:

"Gimme a beer, honkey!"

The bartender is miffed.

"Excuse me?", he barks.

"You heard me, honkey. Now gimme the damn beer!"

The bartender reaches over the bar with both hands, grabs the black man by his shirt collar, drags him across the bar, and then jumps over to the other side.

"Now that we've traded places, let's see how you handle that sort of complete and utter disrespect. Gimme a beer, darkie!!!"

The black man places both palms on the bar, leans forward, and looks the white man in the eye and says:

"Beat it, honkey. We don't serve your kind here!"

[ron]

A farmer and his wife sit on their porch one summer day. when a spaceship lands in the field. The farmer and and his wife investigate and find a alien couple by the spaceship. The farmer and his wife invite the alien couple back to the house and they get along great but now its time for bed so the two couples think that this is a chance of a lifetime to exchange partners for the evening. The farmer and the alien wife go to one bedroom and the farmers wife and alien husband go to another . as the alien and the farmers wife are undressing the farmers wife chuckles at his size until he twists his left ear and it grows to be 15 inches long then proceeds to twist his right ear and it grows to 4 inches wide. the next morning the farmer and his wife wave good -bye to the alien couple and the farmer asks his wife well how was it she replys it was the best sex i have ever had, how was it for you ? the farmer says it was ok but she kept playing with my ears all night.