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Need some advice with some sad times... - Printable Version

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Need some advice with some sad times... - hipkid33 - 11-30-2005

Hey all. It's great to see many of you are still around. I know I have not posted much lately, been very busy, but I do try to catch up when I can. I turn to you, hipbasers, for some personal advice, thoughts or comments. Just wondering if any of you have been through a separation/divorce.

My wife and I are separating after a bit more than 5 years. She's moving out this Saturday. Fortunately for both of us there are no children involved, there is no infidelity or abuse. She brought this to my attention back in August. Since then we have been living together, trying to talk things out, even with a professionals help, but to no avail. The main reason is that we realized that after being together for 8 years, we are "best buds", not husband and wife. We just grew apart. At first I could not believe it and I was crushed, but as time has wore on, I am slowly coming to terms with it. Strange thing is that we are more worried about our families' reaction (both sides know) than our own emotions. My father-in-law absolutely adores me. I was recently at their house for Thanksgiving and there was not one awkward moment, it was just like old times. As I was getting ready to leave, my father-in-law comes up to give me his usual hug and a kiss (I married into a wonderful Italian family), he grabbed me so hard and said "The door is always open kiddo". It was at that point that the whole situation really, really hit me. Hard. I've been in a fog since then.

I've always had this very mechanical, structured focus of finding somebody, falling in love, getting married, getting a house and having children. Well, I'm 31 now and no kids. I guess I never really worked on the in-between. Like focusing on the relationship and good communication. We always were good about telling each other that we loved each other. I do. Still do. A lot. If anything positive could come out of this, it is that I have learned more about myself in these last few months than I have ever in my life.

There is 0% chance of things turning around. I've accepted that. What I can't break free of is the urge to help her every step of the way. She is fiercly independent and really does not need help. This independence is another underlying reason for the break-up. She's never been on her own. She went from living at home to living with me. I can respect that. I had that for 6 years. I'm trying hard to back off. Its wierd, she brings to light her intentions, and all I want to do is help her. Isn't that a bit f**ked up?

We are trying to be very careful to not step on each others toes when we divide up our posessions. So far, a few words have been thrown around over a few DVD and CD's, but so what! Right! [on a side note, I'll have to buy the Hip catalog(ue) all over again. I kept all the boots and Hipeponymous though] I know humor is probably not the best way to approach this, but I'm trying to keep my chin up. For me, laughing is therapy.

We just purchased a home in June of '04. She can not afford it on her own. So, I'm keeping the house. We are in total agreement on this issue. In fact, my buddy is moving in when she leaves. It probably not the best idea, but financially it is a good move now. She initially wanted to sell it, but I talked her out of it because we would lose our ass on it, with only 1 year of equity and virtually no capital improvements. I'm going to try and hang on for a few years, do some fixes and try to at least break even. Ok, I'm rambling now. That is probably too much information. Ahhhh! I don't care.

Sorry for the long rant, I just wanted to vent to my hip friends. I can only take opinions and thoughts from family for so long. Ya know! I need a fresh view. So, back to my initial question. Have any of you been through this? How did you deal? Where you back on the scene right away? Did you beg and plead for reconciliation? Did you relocate & start fresh?

Thanks for reading this and any thought that you may have. Till next time.

Chad

- ron - 11-30-2005

sorry chad ,
wish i knew what to say but i don't all i can do is wish you well .



Later
Ron

- PortlandCarbo - 11-30-2005

i'm sorry to hear what you're going through my friend. 3 years ago i got out of a near 9 year relationship & it sounds like the circumstances were very simliar to yours. if you ever want to talk, please pm me and or use the instant messangers, k? take care & i hope to hear from you.

- sarah in portland