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Funny Canadian Jokes - Printable Version

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Funny Canadian Jokes - VioletlightHeron - 02-17-2004

Ahem, got this sent to me by a friend in Toronto, I hope i dont have all the Newfies out for my blood, it isnt my fault! :lol: :lol:
Subject: Aaahh ... Newfies
Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere,"says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'. As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

====PART TWO ===
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag,and Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin'dat parrotshooting nider."

==== PART THREE ===

A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper bag'.Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean! First der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Semiswith his parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen glidin..."

- grooveless touque - 02-17-2004

Larry comes into Buddy's bait shop, says "Dere's dis goi 'ere from Nover Scosher, says he's psychic, an' he IS, b'y!"

Buddy says, "How do ya know?"

Larry says to him, he says, "Well, Oi herd aboat 'im from de missus, so I goes down to de docks an' Oi sees 'im and Oi says to him, 'Fyou can tell me 'ow many fish I got in dis 'ere cooler, my son, Oi'll give 'em boat to ya!"

- dyersbay - 02-21-2004

Signs you may be a Canadian

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

7. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin eh!!"

8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is a small town in Quebec.

19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

23 You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

24. You voted for a political leader who admitted to smoking pot.

25. You understand that having an extension cord on your car does not mean that it's electric.

26. You read rather than scanned this list.





- dyersbay - 02-21-2004

Just came across this one and had to add it!

"Canadian Complaints About Americans"
As presented on the 04/09/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN



10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel
9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will

8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling

7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"

6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor"

5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot

4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan

3. Two words: "Weird Al"

2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer"

1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

- VioletlightHeron - 02-21-2004

:thumb: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good ones Angie! Wink

- grooveless touque - 02-21-2004

They sure are good ones! That was great!

I have another sign you know you're Canadian - you know what "franglais" is!! Big Grin

- farmerdan - 02-23-2004

dyersbay Wrote:1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

you can never have too many gordie!!!

- Northman - 02-23-2004

I thought this was pretty funny except for the last one.....

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

- dyersbay - 02-23-2004

Here's some more of my favorites...

Signs you may be a Canadian

1. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

2. You participate in Participaction!

3. You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

4. You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

5. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

6. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

7. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

8. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

9. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

10. You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

11. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

12. You think -10 C is mild weather.

13. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

14. You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

15. You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.

16. Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.

17. You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.

18. Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.

19. You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.

20. You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.

21. You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.

22. You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.

23. You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)

24. Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.

25. You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"

- Kim - 02-23-2004

dyersbay Wrote:Here's some more of my favorites...

5. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

Yep I've seen plenty of proud Canadians walking around with those over here. :lol: :lol:

- MikeS - 02-24-2004

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

:mrgreen:

- grooveless touque - 02-24-2004

A Nova Scotian is stopped on the street by a surveyor doing a poll. She asks him, "What's the greatest Canadian joke you ever heard of?"

Buddy thinks for a minute and says "Kim Campbell".