pigography Wrote:Mr. Chicken retorts, 'Well all I have to do is COUGH and the whole WORLD shits itself!'
When the whole birdflu thing was kicking up last year, I had a bit of fun with an old woman who dialled 999 (the UK verion of 911/112)
She had made the call herself, but when we arrived she said she was too ill and weak to get out of the bed.
Now I'm no Sherlock, but I noticed that the front door had been opened, the phone was in a different room, she had been able to make herself a cup of (still piping hot) tea and carry it through from the kitchen, and as there wasn't a smell or damp patch, had managed to get to the toilet on a regular basis.
So I did my checks, temp, pulse, oxy saturation & ecg, and all came back fine. She had been taking antibiotics for a chest infection for less than 24 hours, and wanted to go to hospital because they hadn't worked (Some bastard gave her the slow acting ones!! ;-) )
So I humm & haaa looking like I am weighing up treatment options (actually thinking of a way not to carry her), then ask her if she has any pet birds, or been near any poultry within the last week.
Never seen anyone move to the ambulance so fast in my career!!
I didn't ask her if she was feeling peckish, as that would have given the game away :-)
D
An old man walks into a bar and calls the bartender over. “What do you want, Sir?” ..The old man says “I’ll make a bet with you!” The bartender says “what kind of bet” the old man says. “ I bet you $20 I can bite my own ass”. The bartender says “OK; I’ll take that bet“. The old man pulls his dentures out and reaches back and bites him self on the ass.
Well the bartender gets pissed off. The old man tells the bartender “don’t worry I’ll give you a chance to win your money back “I’ll bet you $40 that I can bite my own eye“! . The bartender “upset” say’s your not going to pull your teeth out are you?” The old man says “Nope”. The bartender says. Well OK. The old man pop’s out his fake eye and bites down on it. . The bartender gets really pissed now and walks away. .
Later the old man walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over and says “I feel really bad about what I did and I want to make it up to you. The bartender reluctantly asks “how”? The old man says I bet you $60 I can stand at the end of your bar and piss in that shot glass all the way at the other end of your bar? . The bartender thinks about it for a bit thinking there’s no way. So he agrees. The old man climbs up onto the bar and drops his pants. As the old man try’s all he does is piss all over everything. The bar, stools and bottles as the bartender laughs his ass off. When the old was done he climbed down and pulled up his pants. The bartender walks up still laughing and picks his money up saying to the old man. I hope you learned your lesson old man. The old man grins a little and leans over to the bartender saying, I did. You see those guys in the corner? I bet them a $1,000.00 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh your ass off about it.
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "There's a way I can check without ID; unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
For all you math nerds out there...
TEACHER ARRESTED AT JFK AIRPORT
New York, Nov. 3, 2006 – A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
When I think "funny", this instantly comes to mind:
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I could watch this daily, and still find it funny.
^ Brilliant! :lol: I've just spent the past half hour watching all the Eddie Murphy clips.
pigography Wrote:^ Brilliant! :lol: I've just spent the past half hour watching all the Eddie Murphy clips.
Delerious might be the best stand up performance ever. A few of my buddies have really old copies of that on VHS. I've been trying to get a copy of Delerious for a while, thank god for Youtube