PunBB

I actually started more to get funny stuff submitted because I don't have that much of my own, so if you've heard a good one lately let's hear it!

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

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A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain need which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerly hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you recieve this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home by midnight.
-your husband

When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You, too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times then 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
-Your Wife

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What does D.N.A stand for?
National Dyslexia Association

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How do you get three old ladies to say "fuck"?
Have the fourth one yell "BINGO".

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And one for all the Canadians...

A man with tickets to the Stanley Cup Final finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says. "The seat is empty."
"That's incredible", said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

lol, made my day! especially the last one! :thumb:

So I'm at the course, and I'm about to swing on the first hole.

Just as I'm about to take my swing I hear from the clubhouse: "Would the gentleman on the first hole, please back away from the women's tee."

I figure: "Just ignore him, play your game..." So I get set, I'm ready and just as I'm about to swing, I hear it again: "Would the gentleman PLEASE back away from the women's tee and use the men's tee THANK YOU!"

I'm not fazed, I've got a game to play and nothing can distract me. So, I set, I focus, I visualize, and I'm ready to go. Then just as I'm about to bring the club back, I hear it AGAIN: "Would the GENTLEMAN, PLEASE BACK AWAY From the Women's TEE, and USE the MEN'S TEE THANK YOU!!"

Now I'm angry. I look straight up at the Clubhouse. I lock eyes with the jerk at the microphone. I cup my hands over my mouth and scream:

"Would the Asshole in the clubhouse please shut the fuck up and let me make my second shot!"

A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he
has trouble finding a seat. Because pieces of him are peeling and
flaking off, he's very concerned about grossing out the other
fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where
his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone. Finally, he finds
an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks
the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the
game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If
it disturbs you, I'll move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has
caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man
begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A
powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's
mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but it's obvious that my appearance has
caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you.... Just sit down, shut up, and watch the
game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the
man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The
leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering.
And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so
sick, than what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you... He keeps dipping his nachos in your
back!"

"So this dyslexic walks into a bra..." :wink:

here's an old one i came across recently

Q: How do red-necks celebrate Halloween?

A: They Pump-kin

O.K., it's not Friday, but someone forwarded this to me today, and I thought it was pretty comical. I don't know if it's true, but who cares? It's still funny....



Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said? !"


:lol:

K-Town Lassie Wrote:10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said? !"

:lol: That's my favourite! That one's great! Ha ha ha ha, I love it!

Glad you liked it! My friend KJ sends me, literally, dozens of jokes a week. My friends and I have a little "forwarding" group going. If you want me to, I can add you to my forwarding list. No personal e-mails allowed, just the best jokes forwarded. PM me with your e-mail addy and I will forward what I get...

K-Town Lassie Wrote:9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

HA! That one had me in stitches. Too funny.

lord brazle Wrote:

K-Town Lassie Wrote:10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said? !"

:lol: That's my favourite! That one's great! Ha ha ha ha, I love it!

It's great... until you think of what Arnie's prunes are like...

hock: Aw, dude... I don't even wanna think about his prunes...

O.K., it's technically Saturday, but in light of the hostile threads going on in this place, I think some levity is in order. Here goes today's Friday funny....


Clem and Larry were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Clem asked Larry, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an made love to your wife,

an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Larry scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"

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Famous Quotes...


1. "You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
* Steve Martin

2. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

3. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

4. "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

5. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* George Burns

6. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

7. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

8. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"
* Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!)

9. "Oh, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

10. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

11. "Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

12. "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

13. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

14. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams


:lol:

OK - Tuesday funnies:

K-Town Lassie Wrote:1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

:lol:

That literally killed me :lol: People in the hospital thought I'd finally lost it

:lol: :lol: